Updated: Aug 11, 2018
THE JOURNEY THAT LED TO THE INTENTION TABLE
I had completely spiraled to rock bottom.
I found myself in a state that was not only disconnected from my own body, but also from everyone around me. I had become a prisoner of myself. Not only was I the only one aware of my complete disassociation and struggles with thoughts of suicide and depression, but I had become talented at pretending, giving Oscar-worthy performances while convincing everyone that I was happy and stable.
Childhood trauma had taught me to hide and cover and my culture had taught me to lie and hide, and this unknowingly became a pattern I carried on with me as an adult. Around my 34th birthday, I began to see that I was constantly concealing my truth. As soon as that awareness took place, my ability to appear joyful began to dwindle and, before I knew it, the show was over.
It was time to say goodbye to these lies.
I made the decision to starve the stories, no longer giving them the pen and paper they needed to survive. Instead, I fed and nourished myself with the truth. But, in order to do so, it meant burning the house down on everything I had ever known, including my family, my marriage, my friendships and myself.
"I could have been an Oscar nominated actress for giving off the impression that I was constantly happy and stable."
It became my sole mission to break through the barriers of my life. I knew that no one could do that work for me; it was time to save myself. I became extremely dedicated to changing my subconscious, hard-wired patterns of behavior, excavating deep-rooted suppressed emotions and acknowledging the truth about every piece of my journey. As I dove in, I released the numbness in my body, letting go of “stories” I had told myself based on years of trauma, culture, society, and self-imposed expectations.
Intuitively I knew that talk therapy though a very important piece of my healing, wasn’t going to be enough. In order to fully heal, I would have to find ways into the body. I knew in particular that I would have to go into the hidden, often neglected proprioceptive and interoceptive senses. This intuitive knowledge of how to heal my hidden senses didn’t come out of thin air. This knowledge came from my experience as a special education teacher and the co-founder of a school that specialized in the sensory system for children with special needs. It became very clear to me that each child I worked with was a reflection of all the things I needed to teach myself, like learning to find a voice, feeling grounded in my body, understanding my emotions, and creating self regulation skills.
So began my journey to proactively seek ways to dive into the somatic nervous system, determined to create new pathways, patterns, and to HEAL with INTENTION.
I did it all. Everything: yoga, dancing, drumming, sound healing, meditation, journaling, drugs, drinking, binge eating, meaningless sex and even running off to an ashram with idea of becoming a nun.
"In order to fully heal, I would have to find ways into the body. "
As I unraveled my life, I started to understand, embrace, and nourish all pieces of myself. Slowly, everything about myself became clear and I gained the ability to notice patterns, discovering how to stop them and course correct to make different ones. I gained a deep understanding of why I did what I did. Over a two year process, which included yoga, meditation, journaling, and dancing, I built a toolbox for myself, filling it with the things I need to carve out a pathway for self-realization.
Today, these tools are a part of my daily self-care ritual. They are a way for me to hold myself accountable, to stay present, distinguish real from unreal, and feel within my own body. The services offered through the Intention Table allows for one to cultivate an open, receptive, and present relationship of self-realization through the body. I dedicate these services and my teaching to the concept that housed in every one of us is the intrinsic knowledge and capability to heal even the most devastating of wounds.